Let Me Go
by OCnative
Summary: Is Ryan also at fault for what has happened between him and Marissa? Why can't he just forgive and forget? Ryan POV.
1. Chapter One

**Let Me Go**

I don't own anything _O.C._ or _Evanescence_ related, blah blah blah…

These songs and the last few episodes keep rattling around in my head because they struck a nerve in my personal life.

***

_I wish that you would just leave  
your presence still lingers here  
and it won't leave me alone  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
this pain is just too real  
there's just too much that time cannot erase  
                        Evanescence_

***

Ryan emerged from the pool house, but stopped in time to see Marissa talking with Kirsten in the kitchen. He quickly darted around to the opposite side of the patio in order to avoid being seen. 

He stood perfectly still and listened to the patio slider open, then Marissa's footsteps as she approached the pool house. She must have come by to try to give him a ride to school.

His plan was to wait until she went into the pool house; it wasn't like anyone ever waited to be let in anyway. As soon as he heard the door open, he'd slip down the catwalk to the beach. He'd be late for class, but at least he wouldn't have to deal with her right now.

"Ryan? Are you in here?" He heard Marissa's voice call out as she walked into the pool house.

Ryan silently walked down towards the beach. Sighing, he pulled a pack of smokes out from his backpack. School would still be there tomorrow. No matter how hard he tried, Marissa was always around: school, home, social events, even _his dreams_. He needed some space, some time to sort out the pain. He couldn't deal with her right now.

Deep down he knew that part of his anger was also directed at the Cohens, especially Seth, but he couldn't address his hurt and disappointment with them. They'd taken him in. He'd been some punk-ass kid, fresh out of juvie, who could have stolen their car and emptied their house that first night. Instead they'd trusted him, and they'd let him stay. Then they became his legal guardians, and Seth was like his brother, a better brother than Trey had ever been.

His thoughts went back to Marissa, to the first time they'd kissed on the Ferris wheel. He'd told her that he'd trusted her. To him, it was the same as if he'd told her that he loved her. She'd kissed him passionately and all had seemed right with the world.

Then for some reason she'd gotten into some funk. The shoplifting. The drinking. He thought that he'd reached out to her, but in hindsight, he really hadn't been there for her at all. He'd covered up her shoplifting, he hadn't really asked her what was wrong, and he'd shushed her when she tried to talk about her mom. 

So she'd gone to a shrink, where she'd met Oliver. She'd thought that Oliver really understood her, listened to her. Oliver did what Ryan himself had failed to do, and he'd seen it all happening right in front of his face. 

He hadn't wanted to see that his beautiful girlfriend was just as fucked up as he was. The anger that was directed at himself over letting her down was worse than what he felt towards either her or the Cohens.

Now, she wanted to go back to the way things were, to forget that Oliver had never come between them. It wasn't just Oliver, couldn't she get that? She wasn't entirely the problem, but she was the only one he could deal with. She was the only one he could take his anger out on, and that scared him. 

He couldn't be with her _because he knew that eventually he was going to lash out and hurt her._ This realization made him walk faster, but no matter how fast he walked, he couldn't shake what was burning within him. 

That he was just like his mother.

***

When Marissa walked back into the main house without Ryan, Kirsten tried to act casual. _"Maybe he left early to go to study hall?"_

Nice try Kirsten, they both knew the truth, Ryan must've taken off when he saw her coming. Now, as she sat in English Lit, she looked over to the empty desk where Ryan should be sitting. He was ditching school again. "Study hall my ass," she whispered under her breath. He'd been ditching school a lot since Dr. Kim and the board had dropped his suspension.

She looked over at Luke who was watching her gazing at Ryan's empty desk. 

His look said it all, _"This is all your fault."_

***

Seth kept looking out the window as Mr. Hand droned on and on about the history of the Spanish Inquisition. He wished that he knew how to fix this mess with Ryan. He knew that he'd screwed up about Oliver. How could he have ever been so blinded by that pretentious trust fund prick? The old Seth Cohen never would have been suckered by Oliver; he represented everything that Seth hated about Newport. 

And yet, somehow, he'd been suckered just like the rest, and he'd turned his back on Ryan. Everyone had been suckered by Oliver except Luke. Seth couldn't believe that Luke had been a better friend to Ryan than he had. Ryan was his brother now, and he'd seriously fucked up.

Ryan had said that he'd forgiven Seth, but things weren't back to normal. His parents didn't even know that Ryan was ditching school and was sneaking out of the house at all hours of the night. He wanted to tell them, but he was afraid of making Ryan retreat any further.


	2. Chapter Two

***

_You don't remember me but I remember you_

_I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you_

_but__ who can decide what they dream?_

_and__ dream I do..._

_Have you forgotten all I know_

_and__ all we had?_

_You saw me mourning my love for you_

_and__ touched my hand_

_I knew you loved me then._

_                        Evanescence_

***

Ryan stared at his new cell phone, a gift from Sandy after the whole Oliver mess. Of course, he hadn't called it a gift, he merely said that Seth had one for emergencies and so should Ryan. 

He debated calling Theresa. He could talk to her, he trusted her, but he'd eroded that trust when he'd slept with her and asked her to stay in Newport. He'd been so confused. He wasn't in love with her, he just needed her. Then she'd called Eddie and had altered the course of her future, because of him. 

He couldn't imagine the pain he must've caused her when she'd, no doubt, realized the truth; he wasn't in love with her, that he'd used her to try to mask his pain. Now she was gone. He knew that even if he tried to call her, to tell her that he was sorry, she wasn't going to listen to him. Just like he didn't want to listen to Marissa.

As much as he wanted to cover it all up, he'd screwed up, just like Marissa and the Cohens had screwed up with him. He just couldn't deal with his own fault in all of this; it was a sign of weakness and something that should be bottled up at all costs. That was what his mother had always said. 

He pocketed the phone, walked over to the liquor store, and bought a bottle of whiskey using his fake ID. Jack Daniels, his mother's favorite.

He exited the store with his brown paper bag tucked under one arm and walked back over towards the beach, choosing the cool shade underneath the pier to drink and wash away his feelings.

***

Marissa watched the hands of the wall clock drift from one second to the next. The day seemed like it was never going to end. She had to find Ryan, she wasn't giving up on him. She knew that she'd messed up with him and Oliver. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have thought that Oliver was just a friend who didn't have expectations of her? 

Her whole life, she felt as if she always had to be _something_ to _somebody_, as if that was the only way she could get someone to love her. She'd felt that with her parents, Luke, Summer, Dr. Kim, and then Ryan. When her world had seemed perfect, when she'd finally convinced Ryan to be with her, she'd lost control. 

She'd tried to talk to Ryan about it, but it seemed as though he didn't want to hear it. In relation to his problems, she felt stupid for ever feeling sorry for herself, so she tried to bottle it up. That was when she'd gotten so messed up with the shoplifting and the drinking. She'd been trying to take control of something, to break the pretty little mold of expectation that everyone seemed to have of her.

***

As Ryan finished off the bottle, he examined his watch. It was almost 3:00 p.m. and he was too shit-faced to go home. Tucking his backpack behind him, he slid down in the sand and rested his head against the canvas fabric. He was just going to take a nap before he had to go home.

_"I just want everything to go back to the way things were."_

_"Can't we just forget what happened with Oliver?"_

_"Why can't you just forgive me?"_

He woke up to the sound of a car backfiring in the nearby parking lot. The sun was setting and his watch said that it was 5:30. "Oh shit," he said to himself as he got up. The last thing he needed was more questions about where he'd been.

He got up and leaned against on one of the pylons. The whiskey was still lingering, but after he stopped swaying, he knew that he could fake sobriety well enough. He'd certainly had enough practice in that arena.

He reached down to grab his backpack and brushed the sand off of it as he started walking back up towards the house.

***

"Seth, do you know where Ryan is? Dinner's ready and he's not out in the pool house."

Seth looked at the clock above the oven. It was 6:30 and he hadn't seen Ryan since last night. Marissa had caught up with him at lunch and said that he'd ditched Lit class again. Seth had tried calling Ryan's cell, but he never answered.

"No mom, but we got a lot of homework in history class, so maybe he just got caught up in study hall."

Seeing his mom's worried face, Seth started up towards his room, "I'll try him on his cell." He hated lying to her.

***

Ryan saw that the kitchen lights were on, so he snuck around the backside of the pool house again and let himself inside. He needed to get cleaned up before facing the family at the dinner table. His eyes were bloodshot, and he was covered in sand. He didn't have time to take a shower, so he stripped down and wiped himself down with a damp bath towel.

He heard a vibration coming from the bedroom; it must be his cell phone. He'd kept it on vibrate and had been ignoring Marissa's calls all day. In the dark, he crept over to the desk and picked up the phone seeing Seth's bedroom phone number on the caller ID.

"Hey Seth, what's up?" He asked casually.

"Dude, where are you? My mom is kinda freaking out and dinner's ready. Did you ditch school today?"

"Seth, everything's cool. I'm in the pool house and I'm just changing my shirt for dinner. I was studying and lost track of time."

_"Yeah, that's what I told mom."_ Seth's voice was dripping in sarcasm. They both knew that Ryan hadn't been in school.

Ignoring the tone, Ryan said, "Thanks man, I'll be there in just a second."

***

Ryan went back into the bathroom to give himself another once over. He'd used some Visine to clear up his eyes, and changed clothes. He ran his fingers through his hair and decided that this was about as good as it was going to get.

He let himself in through the back patio slider and saw Kirsten first.

"Ryan honey, come on in. Dinner's ready. Seth said you had a lot of homework?"

Ryan gave a quick look at Seth, who was giving him a look of his own. Turning his attention back towards Kirsten and sitting down at the dining room table, Ryan said, "Yeah I was studying. Dinner smells good."

***

After dinner, Ryan said that he was really tired and needed to do some reading. With that, he quickly retreated to the pool house.

Seth called Marissa before following Ryan out there. He wanted to let her know that Ryan had come home, and that he was going to try and talk to him again. The last thing he needed was Marissa showing up.

He knocked twice and then walked in to find Ryan lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey man, can I just ask what's going on with you?" Seth asked as he settled himself down in one of the chairs by the window.

Ryan sat up in bed; his face was a blank slate except for a forced smile. "Nothing man, I'm just tired that's all."

"Yeah okay, except that you weren't in school today and there is no huge homework project. Come on man, I lied for you, I'm here for you. Can't you just tell me what's going on?"

Ryan's smiled melted just a bit. "Nothing man, everything's fine, I just needed some time for me that's all."

"Oh, and you didn't get that during all those days that you were suspended?"

"Look Seth, everything's fine with you and me. I didn't feel like dealing with Marissa and wanted to be left alone, okay?"

Seth wasn't sure if Ryan was being honest with him or not. "Look man, I know that things with Oliver got messed up, but Marissa is no guiltier than I am, and you've forgiven me, right?"

Seth could see that he struck a nerve with Ryan because his face suddenly flushed, so Seth continued. "I know that she broke your trust man, and I also know that she's really sorry. You wanted to be with her for so long. Look at all the fights and stuff you got into just to be with her. So why are you willing to just throw it all away now? Haven't you ever fucked up and asked for forgiveness?"

"It's not that easy Seth. I'm really tired okay? I'll see you in the morning." With that, Ryan rolled over and turned the bedside light off.

"Forgiveness man, that's what love and family are all about, okay?"

Not getting a response, Seth turned and let himself out.


	3. Chapter Three

***

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
and I've held your hand through all of these years  
but you still have all of me  
  
You used to captivate me  
by your resonating light  
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

_                        Evanescence_

***

Ryan had tried to sleep. He was tired and drunk enough that he should've been able to sleep like the dead, but he just lay there, staring at the wall.

He wasn't really mad at Marissa, this wasn't entirely her fault. She loved him, even when he hadn't been there for her. Oliver had made him insecure, reminded him of the outsider that he was, and he acted like a nut case. As he'd watched his new friends become mesmerized by Oliver, Ryan had flipped out. He'd known that Oliver was bad news, but he'd handled it all wrong. He really only had himself to blame for the whole mess.

_"You'd better listen up boy. Don't ever let someone else blame you for shit, because as soon as you say you're sorry, you're nothing but a fucking loser. You hear me, kid? You'll be nuthin'. No one will ever respect you or love you if they see you as a loser."_

Ryan woke up. The sun was beginning to rise and the bedside clock said that it was 6:00 a.m. He rolled over, still replaying his mom's voice from his dreams.

_"Ryan, the only person you ever gotta answer to is your momma. I'm the only person you should ever say you're sorry to, otherwise, you're nuthin'."_

She was drunk when she'd gone off on him with those lectures. She'd never made much sense, slurring her words and spitting out cuss words while she spoke, but her words haunted him. He looked over at the fold out couch where he knew that he'd hidden another bottle of Jack. When did this happen? When did he become like his mother?

Seth's words came floating back to him as well. _"Forgiveness man, that's what love and family are all about, okay?"_

He didn't want to be like his mother. Not anymore. He got up and retrieved the bottle from under the couch and began pouring it down the bathroom sink. Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "Enough is enough, mother. I don't want to be like you. I've never wanted to be like you."

He walked back to the bed and grabbed the phone.

_"Hello?"_

"Marissa, hi, it's Ryan. Can you come over? We need to talk."

_"Yeah, sure, I can be there in about 20 minutes."_

"That'd be perfect."

Before she arrived, he wanted to go talk to Seth.

He ran his fingers through his hair and threw on a pair of jeans and a T shirt. Good enough.

He knocked softly on Seth's door and heard a muffled _"What the hell?"_ from within. He opened the bedroom door. 

"Hey Seth, can we talk?"

Seth sat up in bed rubbing his eyes. "Yeah man, come on in."

***

10 minutes later, Ryan re-emerged from Seth's room. He wanted to make sure that he was in the pool house when Marissa got there. Seth had been taken aback by what Ryan had said, and despite what his mom had always told him, Seth seemed to have even more respect for him.

_"Man, I had no idea how you were feeling.  I knew that we'd screwed up, but I never had any idea that you felt guilty, too."_

_"Yeah well, guilt isn't something I've ever been good at. I lashed out at what was convenient. In this case, it was Marissa. I couldn't be mad at myself because of my mother, or at you guys because you're family. So I directed all of my hurt into anger at her."_

_"Do you love her, man?"_

_"Yeah, I do, and I need to tell her that before it's too late."_

***

Ryan was sitting on a patio chair near the pool house when Marissa walked up the driveway. He got up as she approached. "Thanks for coming over."

He could see the hesitation on her face. She was guarded at this point, afraid of being hurt worse. He deserved that.

"Let's go inside where we can talk. I have some things that I need to explain to you."

She looked as though she couldn't decide whether or not to go inside, whether or not she could trust him, but he smiled and placed his hand at the small of her back as he opened the door.

"Marissa, I need to say I'm sorry. It was never really you that I was mad at. I feel like I really let you down."

***

"Seth, isn't that Jimmy Cooper's truck out front? Is Marissa here?"

Kirsten was looking quizzically at her son as she got bagels and coffee ready for breakfast.

"Yeah, I think she and Ryan are talking in the pool house," he said, as he grabbed a bagel and a mug.

"Is everything okay?" Sandy asked from the breakfast nook.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Hey, are there any bagels left for us? I'm starving," Ryan said, as he and Marissa walked in through the back slider. His arm was around her waist and they were both smiling tentatively.

After everyone had grabbed a bagel and was eating at the breakfast nook, Ryan clasped Marissa's hand and cleared his throat. "I need to borrow a car today. I need to go see Theresa after school, to straighten things out with her."

Sandy looked between Ryan, Marissa, and Kirsten before tossing his keys to Ryan. "Yeah, sure kiddo. You can take my car."

***

Ryan turned off the car engine as he sat in front of Theresa's house. Her Chrysler was in the driveway. He hoped that she would agree to see him, since she wasn't taking his calls.

He got out of the car and walked slowly up to the house. He saw the edge of the curtains move in the living room and then Theresa's mother opened the door.

"Ryan! How good to see you again, mijo! Theresa is here, but she didn't tell me you were coming over." She reached out and embraced him in a hug before he could say a word.

When he pulled away, he could see Theresa standing behind her mother and glaring at him.

"Hey Theresa, I was hoping that we could talk."

She didn't say a word, she didn't need to. She gave him a look and he followed her to her bedroom.

She sat on the edge of her bed, forcing him to sit on her dresser. Her face was cold and determined, but he knew that underneath it all she was hurting.

He sat down and took a deep breath. "Listen, Theresa, you're closer to me than anyone else in this whole world. The last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt you, but I did, and I am so sorry."

Theresa let out a sigh. "So Ryan, you're asking for my forgiveness? What about Marissa? Have you asked her for forgiveness yet?"

What he'd said about her had been true. She knew him, and without him saying a word about Marissa, she knew; and she wasn't going to sugar coat anything.

"Yeah, I talked to Seth and Marissa this morning. I told them about my mom. I told them how I'd been holding so much anger against Marissa because I couldn't deal with myself, or the Cohens. Now I'm here with you because you're one of the most important people in my life, and I messed that up."

Theresa stood up from the bed and looked out the window. A tear threatened to roll down her cheek, but she fought the urge to show him any emotion. Without turning to face him, she said, "Fine. Eddie says he'll wait for me anyways. Maybe I was meant to be with him after all."

Ryan got up and reached out to put his hand on her shoulder, she flinched at his touch. "Theresa, we've always had an unbelievable bond, and I never want to lose that, but I think that we both know that we weren't meant to be together beyond that. I am so sorry."

The tear gone, she turned around to face him, her voice nearly a whisper. "I know. Everything will be okay." She reached out to give him a hug. She was going to miss him, but she was happy for him with his new family and girlfriend. He deserved it.

The End.


End file.
